I Will Not Read, I Will Not Listen, I Promise

ABC News to its writers: Folks, this election is about ignoring all of Romney's successes, kindness and generosity, and ignoring all of Obama's failures, selfishness and narcissism. Let's get 8 more stories done about "the 47%" this week, and not Bain anymore since that backfired. I'm tired of hearing about all of the jobs Romney actually saved AND created. Focus on important words such as outsourced. If you can do a story combining the words 47% and outsourced, there will be a bonus for you. Now let's go! Oh, and don't forget to pre-write your templates of "Romney's embarrassing gaffes at the debate," so once it's over you can just fill in the blanks.

Okay, folks, before you go, do repeat the oath after me:

I do solemnly swear to focus only on the audio snippets of Romney that government-approved media (that includes us!), and our party dictate, such as 47%, because whatever he meant by that, I am quite sure that more than 47% would never vote for him, so he was inaccurate. And I will waste no energy thinking about how Romney has been successful rebuilding businesses and is a creative entrepreneur and has been generous in a freakish way (it's just not right to earn and give away so much money). Yeah sure, he gave away literally millions of dollars every year for the last 20 years (just gave it away to charity!) but no matter. He did mention 47% in a meeting with "donors." For all we know they're also busy secretly giving away money to charity too! Millions of dollars given away to who knows what charity? Why the secrecy?

I also do solemnly swear not to focus on the different ways Obama's pursuits seem to have failed at every step. The economy continues to fail under him. He didn't show up to vote much while in the Senate even during what he has labeled the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression. He didn't show up for intelligence briefings while the Middle East was(is) in flames. I am Democrat, hear me roar. I can blank out large portions of factual information and focus in, only on what is set before me. I can have Ann Coulter on my show as a guest, and not read even portions of her book Mugged, knowing that since I am black and she is not, the case is closed. Say no more! I will not watch any news program that may show Obama in a negative light. Fox news has purportedly played speeches by Obama saying one thing in 2012, and on the same show speeches of Obama saying the exact opposite during the 2007 campaign! This is sneaky, backhanded, and should not be allowed. I do solemnly swear to not listen to Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, Karl Rove <* ewww snarl *>, and especially not any words coming out of Dick Cheney <* double snarl *>. And I agree not to read books such as Ameritopia, Demonic, Liberal Fascism, The Forgotten Man, and especially not Mugged. I will not read them, Sam I Am.


  1. okay team, post debate analysis: for your templates of "Romney's embarrassing gaffes at the debate," I think all we have to go on is Big Bird. So let's roll out 8 to 10 stories this week about the cruelty of a man who would take Sesame Street away from our children. That's gonna be our mantra. Imagine having to sit through a Sesame Street that's ad supported, as opposed to sitting through those delightful phone-bank fund raising shows. Ads are for companies that make a "p r o f i t" and we don't want those.

  2. Another update!!! The way Romney won the debate was that he just told lies, and Obama, being from the party of truth and Harry Reid, is unaccustomed to such talk, and was befuddled! I'm still waiting for Romney to release his tax returns. Harry Reid's reliable source knows a wee bit more than Price Waterhouse, thank you very much. But the Big Bird and Oil Subsidy angle has legs too. Do not listen to reports that the "Big Oil subsidy" is for manufacturing companies across industries. Just use the term Big Oil and Big Bird, and of course outsourced. Those 3 words, and then shut down your brains.